Building a social environment of SM people :-)

Hello together,

my dear lady and I have been working for some time to build a social environment of SM people πŸ™‚. I think this more and more gets worth a few lines (and I’m curious when we’ll have enough articles together, that we have enough readers to get feedback from you πŸ™‚).

Yesterday we were at a party. In one of the largest European SM locations. We arranged to meet two other couples. One consisted of a man and a woman who were not really a couple. They only accompanied each other this evening. The other consisted of two doms (one male, one female πŸ™‚). With both couples we were in contact via WhatsApp before… after we got them now on other parties. And now have set up between us six a WhatsApp group. I’m happy πŸ™‚ .

Some general thoughts: we really WANTED to be in active contact with other kinksters for months. We WANTED a social environment where my lady can wear a collar and sit under me. We WANTED to have an environment where you can party together, have fun together and discuss the evening in the morning at breakfast.

That was not so easy. We created profiles on SM / swinger networks. We wrote with couples who marked us as “Like”. We worked through emails from people who wanted to meet with us. Somehow it did not work.

We invited the SM scene of our city for a barbecue. THAT was a good approach. But the appointment is still pending.

We collected phone numbers from couples we met at parties and created WhatsApp groups with them. That helped. And so we came to last night.

All three couples knew we were at the party. All but us came too late (great).

The party started lame. In the meantime I have learned that in such cases we have to pin ourselves and start to “play”.

So when it stayed rather “lame” for a while, I applied earplugs to my lady, put her a rubber mask over her head, led her into a high room from which ceiling chain hung, tied her to it, removed corset and wrap skirt … hit her with a whip.

Next to me, the sub of the “couple” which just accompanied each other was fixed on a box and carefully beaten.

The cool thing: the couple which consisted of two doms assisted on both subs πŸ™‚. I do not know what they did to the other lady :-), because I was too busy with my lady.

But the two brought in some other inputs. treated my lady, for example, with a nerve wheel. Stroked one side while I hit the other. while I was busy with the Big Wand at the other. Toward the end I was afraid that the Big Wand had overwhelmed my lady … she just did not come. The other two ultimately brought the crucial stimuli in parallel with my work on the Big Wand πŸ™‚ .

The other lady was fingered and beated by them. Again, they worked hard to help her to the final orgasm πŸ™‚. We were a great bunch of 6, hard working on torturing and caressing. Enjoying the sufferings of the passive πŸ™‚.

At about four o’clock I had to sweep my lady out of the party location with friendly words. She did not want to leave. But I was completely exhausted.

The next morning we had breakfast at the harbor. This was great too. It was interesting, above all, that everybody wanted to party with us again. We talked a lot about our relationship model. The lady of the couple, which only “accompanied” themselves to the party announced several times interest in doing something with us – and meant expressly my lady and me.

What I want to put out here: we are happy πŸ™‚. And we look forward to expanding that. I especially dream of having a spa weekend with another couple in a SM apartment πŸ™‚.

We will expand the aspect of the WhatsApp groups. And I’m looking forward to the barbecue πŸ™‚

Follow the white rabbit

I would like to add an aspect to my post “Children and BDSM (Parents)”. It’s the aspect of dealing with children in separation situations.

I separated from my wife. The children stayed with me. How exactly it went on, regarding house, child distribution etc. was a long time unsure (and is still not fixed).

Each freshly separated adult will find themselve in a similar situation. Things are changing. Some things are potentially unsettling. One takes only one step at a time.

I would like to say here that I went very well with orienting myself very closely to the children. Partly I knew from the beginning why I did it that way. Under some aspects I realized only months later why things were as good as I did.

I would like to give some food for thought from the world of my head. They come from a “distance” of about 75% between the date of separation and the state fixing of the childs stay.

I’m writing this to give readers who are at the beginning of their break-up a pool of thoughts from which they may want to take some.

There are some things that I find useful, especially for separations in the BDSM context.

Life comes with the children

My most important thought about this shortly after the separation: “everything” depends on the childs.

On their stay depends, how they grow up. How you see them growing up. Whether / under what rules / how / you see your children. How many issues you have with the ex-partner. How the resources (monetary / factual) of the partners are divided in the separation. Who has which “levers” in disputes of the ex-partners.

I was convinced that I should have the bigger levers on how the childs grow up. And I was convinced that I should be careful for her having levers in my life.

Furthermore, I quickly learned that both the classic understanding of roles (“children go with the mother”), and the respective opinions of adults count less and less in today’s legal system.

Ultimately, the state authorities look at what is best for the children.

My advice: understand what that means for legal proceedings, etc. . Realize that neither your worries, your sensitivities, nor much else counts … as long as you can not justify those aspects with the needs of the children.

And so we come to what I would like to recommend to you:

Follow the white rabbit πŸ˜„.

The white rabbit is your children

Everyone has to find his own ways here.

You can potentially fool your mouth about why you think you can better care for your children than your ex-partner. The effect is rather unsure.

Take care of the kids instead. When the time comes AND you are the better caregiver, the children will tell.

My way

My way was to keep very close to my children. Of course that does not mean that I fulfill all their wishes. But it always meant keeping close to their thoughts / worries / needs. It means to me that I make sure they feel safe.

This meant, for example, that I listened well to my eldest child after the breakup, when it did not want to go to the childminder I had organized. I accompanied him on the paths to the childminder, heard his complaints, reflected his thoughts with him. And after a few weeks, I organized that the care worked without this childminder.

This also means that I regularly care for situations in which I get the thoughts of my children. I see situations as a chance to sit quietly with the child to puzzle, cuddle, etc. . I went to school with the elder, took the little one by foot to the kindergarten. Chosed new clothes to buy with the kids together. Switched childcare if it did not work with the kids. Reorganized my work life so that I could better take care of the children.

Interim results

I currently have children who are very strongly focused on daddy. Almost too strong. But they trust me. I’ve been able to guide them through several maturation levels since separation.

The children see that a lot has changed at home since the separation – and they rate this positively. The confidence of the children in the situation that daddy creates is great. The confidence that daddy listens to them in case of problems and “cares” is great, too.

The close communication with the children allowed it e.g. to let move in my sub including her children. My elder was even a true advocate of entry πŸ˜‚.

Now when these kids are being interviewed by government caretakers, I can do so very relaxed. There is nothing coming out that questions my life. The children will rather support the stability of my life. The children are actually witnesses that I’m doing well – and I’m more pleased that these witnesses are allowed to speak.

Guys: learn the rules πŸ˜‰

I regularly experience men who find the world unjust. They find it absolutely unjust that the wife gets the children and they shall pay for it. They find it unfair that the woman gets half of the assets. See unfair that the (necessary) partnership separation means that they hardly see the children.

It says anonymously more easily than I can say it in someone’s face in the SM context πŸ˜‰:

Here once, using the full anonymity 😈: GUYS, do not cry like that, tackle it!

Learn the rules. Align your behavior to the rules. It counts what is best for the children. If you are the best, then are best. And act accordingly.

Closing remarks

I should mention: the children are in my view currently too strong focused on me.

But I can close my narrative thread insofar as I’m currently hardly worried about the continuity of my life. I’m better able t suggest a division of the stay of the children than my ex-wife. I did – of course seen from my perspective – good proposals on that. The distribution of resources after separation has strong tendencies to enable me to continue childcare.

In the context of our Domestic Discipline relationship, this also has a stabilizing effect. I could talk to government fuzzy, why the relationship is not a problem for the children. I would probably do little. From the current situation, instead, the children are my witnesses that dad is doing his job well.

I would like to suggest to others who are divided, to align themselves on the children as well 😸. These have – in contrast to the adults involved – exactly no guilt in the situation. They deserve to be taken care of. And they can thank the one who takes care of them, by stabilizing his situation.

My masters’ favorite

As mentioned in the introduction to our blog, over the years I played with several doms. Now, looking back, I see that each Dom has his own special toy, his favourite one, the one he uses by preference, the one he uses when he likes to carry out some spanking without having to think too much about it. Most doms will know, when asked which whip, cane, … is THEIR toy and represents them best. For my doms these were e.g. a belt, a dressage whip, a bullwhip, … and a cane.

The Cane

My masters’ favourite is the cane. To be more precise: a 10mm thick and 85cm long peeled manila cane. We also tested shorter and thinner ones, but this is – according to my master – the one that feels most natural to him. It gives him high control due to its thickness while still speeding up to relatively high speeds due to its length.

Being beaten with a cane was not new to me, but I was not too experienced with this particular toy. And I had quite some respect. We started with a cane with handle but we destroyed at least one of that kind. We destroyed some more until we finally ended up at our favourite one, which we are using now. Even though a cane is rather inexpensive, we only have this one that is β€˜perfect’.

Maintenance Spanking

The cane can be part of a session but most often it is used for maintenance spankings – roughly daily. The typical setup is that in the morning, before I leave for work, my master asks me to pull down my trousers and to bend over. He then usually warms up my butt with fast, but relatively light cane strokes which are then followed by 10 to 40 full strokes, which I am usually asked to count. When we started this habit we called it β€œLove to go” and we literally fell in love with this habit. After a few days we realised that what we were doing is called maintenance spanking and that this kept both of us in a mood we consider as achievable.

Childs and BDSM( parents)

My sub and were alowed to learn over time. Learned how we handle BDSM and have 6 children.

I would like to give some food for thought here πŸ˜€.

Food for thought: base

Even if it is so obvious that you really should not have to say it:

  • Children will not understand violence. Also, no actions that are consensual but look like violence.
  • The thinking given to children should be that adults love each other.
  • No matter what we think is good: there are also the ex-partners we have separated from – and the vocabulary in which they carry what children told to government agencies will not be our vocabulary in a dispute πŸ˜‚. In this aspect, children should only see things that they and other adults understand πŸ˜‚.

Food for thought: new partners in the parents’ bed

About five months after my wife moved out, we had the first time the situation that my present lady spent the first night with us, while my children were at home. She had been with me many times before – but I only did this when my children were gone.

I was worried about what happens when the kids find my sub in bed instead of their mom.

The situation was quite prepared 😁. My kids knew my sub as “Mom of X, Y, …”. I had announced that she might be in bed with me today. Then I put my kids to bed. We adults had a nice evening … and went to bed.

What had I thought of thoughts about the continuity of children before?

How would they react if there was another woman in bed? πŸ™ˆ

Well. How should they react? The great result of the morning was that they did not react πŸ˜‡.

They knew the one who was lying there. They saw two cuddling adults. Not only was that not a problem – it was a nice thing from a child’s point of view. They did not see two cuddling adults from before the breakup.

From a child’s point of view, there was no problem

What was going on well?

- I had previously introduced my lady. The children knew her in a context that they understand (mom of X, Y, ...).

- I made sure that the children did not get a chance to see my sub as a person to share daddy with. When my children were with me, they usually had priority - especially when it came to cuddling etc.

- You saw "love" in the bedroom. Cuddling adults. That was great from a child's point of view. Furthermore, it was something that they understand and what is natural from a child's point of view.

Food for thought: “Playing” with children in the house

The topic “How do we manage to build our couple life, even though we take care of children” is in a very broad complex. As a couple you have IMHO to actively seek solutions. It works great in my experience, if both participate playfully πŸ˜‡.

Those looking for problems, you will find problems. Those looking for solutions will find solutions πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚.

Within the day I consider it the task of the Dom to find solutions. Every couple has to find his mode. A few suggestions from me:

-> We have a separate play room that is pretty soundproofed. In addition, a motion detector in the hallway. This will turn on a lamp in the play room. So we have reduced our noise emissions AND are warned when a child comes. The room is locked from the inside when we are in it.

So you can work as long as you take a small residual risk. Since the children see nothing (locked door), hear little (sound isolation, motion detector), you can get out of stupid situations without damage. If a child knocks on the door, you can, for example, say (personally, nice, polity, lovely, face to face) “we want to cuddle a bit, go back to bed please, I’ll be right with you”.

If the child is stubbornly repeatedly standing in front of the door, you can let the child see two grinning adults afterwards and then take the child beneath you in bed πŸ˜‡.

-> My lady sleeps tied up every night. She has permanent chains on the wrists, which are very thin, but also firm. You can lock both wrists with a small lock.

So she also sleeps this way when a child comes in bed πŸ˜‚. It’s MY job to open the lock in the morning before the kids think clearly. It is HER job to make sure that the children do not notice it as bondage while the lock is closed. πŸ˜‚

-> My lady often sleeps so that her hands are held by a thin chain attached to the front site of the bed. Again, thin, solid, but not jingling chain.

-> You can have sex in the shower too. Children can not see much through the glass, which is cloudy from showering.

-> Man can also be satisfied, if children sleep next to it. If both partners agree and trust, the children will not see anything harmful – because they do not know the sexual context of what might happen under the blanket.

I pull up my sub reliably when the situation requires it, she lets me control the stuation.

-> CHILDREN find nothing to find a cane in the living room. Just when the children are kept out of the sexual context, they do not see what it is for. CHILDREN fence with it !?

-> … (Find your options, develop them as a couple!)

Food for thought: roles in the house

My next suggestions to you concern the distribution of roles that you show as a couple towards the children

In itself, I find the idea purposeful that none of the partners tries to replace the other parent. So I’m trying to avoid replacing the father’s role to the children of my sub. She acts in the same way about the mother’s role towards my children.

But I also see that this can not work completely. Reasons?

  • Often one of us is e.g. absent. If you want to give children a loving environment AND are alone with them at home, you can hardly avoid taking a provider role.
  • Anyone who regularly has dear children in the house, starts to cuddle with them and to be tender.
  • You take children who are currently in the house to the bakery, the post office, etc. In this situation, you are a caregiver. And you can not help but give attention, educate, and correct. Buuut I can, for example also explain to my children that my sub is my new “partner” – but they only have one “mom” – my ex-wife.
  •    … the list can be continued. I would like to point out to you here that although I recommend to distance oneself from wanting to replace the missing parent in each case … I know that this has limits.

Another thought: in the beginning, I wanted to avoid telling the children of my sub what to do (dressing, sitting down, etc.). That did not work properly.

Meanwhile, I think that both parts of the couple need to be in doubt to make announcements to all the children in the house.

At the beginning, we also showed the children prayerfully that they see two adults of equal rights. We gave that up. Of course, I do not command my sub in front of the children. But we have our quirks. E.G. my sub sits partly on the ground. It is also true that I am more likely to be the one who announces more to the children. No matter whose child I have in front of me.

The children take me in the overall emerging picture indeed quite as a “master of the house”. But they also see loving adults. And clear, insightful, predictable structures. And parents who do not leave any loopholes by making it worth for children to ask adult B after a negative answer which adult A gave.

Concerning the clarity of the structures towards children, the clear allocation of roles in the relationship really gave an advantage. The children have e.g. stopped even to test whether they can spit us against each other 😊.

Conclusion

I have two core messages that I would like to share with you:

  1. Every couple has to find their way. I see as crucial what you do as a couple out of your possibilities, how you reflect your behavior after reactions of children.
  2. A DS relationship can surely be lived with children and it also brings benefits in the overall package.