Childs and BDSM( parents)

My sub and were alowed to learn over time. Learned how we handle BDSM and have 6 children.

I would like to give some food for thought here 😀.

Food for thought: base

Even if it is so obvious that you really should not have to say it:

  • Children will not understand violence. Also, no actions that are consensual but look like violence.
  • The thinking given to children should be that adults love each other.
  • No matter what we think is good: there are also the ex-partners we have separated from – and the vocabulary in which they carry what children told to government agencies will not be our vocabulary in a dispute 😂. In this aspect, children should only see things that they and other adults understand 😂.

Food for thought: new partners in the parents’ bed

About five months after my wife moved out, we had the first time the situation that my present lady spent the first night with us, while my children were at home. She had been with me many times before – but I only did this when my children were gone.

I was worried about what happens when the kids find my sub in bed instead of their mom.

The situation was quite prepared 😁. My kids knew my sub as “Mom of X, Y, …”. I had announced that she might be in bed with me today. Then I put my kids to bed. We adults had a nice evening … and went to bed.

What had I thought of thoughts about the continuity of children before?

How would they react if there was another woman in bed? 🙈

Well. How should they react? The great result of the morning was that they did not react 😇.

They knew the one who was lying there. They saw two cuddling adults. Not only was that not a problem – it was a nice thing from a child’s point of view. They did not see two cuddling adults from before the breakup.

From a child’s point of view, there was no problem

What was going on well?

- I had previously introduced my lady. The children knew her in a context that they understand (mom of X, Y, ...).

- I made sure that the children did not get a chance to see my sub as a person to share daddy with. When my children were with me, they usually had priority - especially when it came to cuddling etc.

- You saw "love" in the bedroom. Cuddling adults. That was great from a child's point of view. Furthermore, it was something that they understand and what is natural from a child's point of view.

Food for thought: “Playing” with children in the house

The topic “How do we manage to build our couple life, even though we take care of children” is in a very broad complex. As a couple you have IMHO to actively seek solutions. It works great in my experience, if both participate playfully 😇.

Those looking for problems, you will find problems. Those looking for solutions will find solutions 😂 😂 😂.

Within the day I consider it the task of the Dom to find solutions. Every couple has to find his mode. A few suggestions from me:

-> We have a separate play room that is pretty soundproofed. In addition, a motion detector in the hallway. This will turn on a lamp in the play room. So we have reduced our noise emissions AND are warned when a child comes. The room is locked from the inside when we are in it.

So you can work as long as you take a small residual risk. Since the children see nothing (locked door), hear little (sound isolation, motion detector), you can get out of stupid situations without damage. If a child knocks on the door, you can, for example, say (personally, nice, polity, lovely, face to face) “we want to cuddle a bit, go back to bed please, I’ll be right with you”.

If the child is stubbornly repeatedly standing in front of the door, you can let the child see two grinning adults afterwards and then take the child beneath you in bed 😇.

-> My lady sleeps tied up every night. She has permanent chains on the wrists, which are very thin, but also firm. You can lock both wrists with a small lock.

So she also sleeps this way when a child comes in bed 😂. It’s MY job to open the lock in the morning before the kids think clearly. It is HER job to make sure that the children do not notice it as bondage while the lock is closed. 😂

-> My lady often sleeps so that her hands are held by a thin chain attached to the front site of the bed. Again, thin, solid, but not jingling chain.

-> You can have sex in the shower too. Children can not see much through the glass, which is cloudy from showering.

-> Man can also be satisfied, if children sleep next to it. If both partners agree and trust, the children will not see anything harmful – because they do not know the sexual context of what might happen under the blanket.

I pull up my sub reliably when the situation requires it, she lets me control the stuation.

-> CHILDREN find nothing to find a cane in the living room. Just when the children are kept out of the sexual context, they do not see what it is for. CHILDREN fence with it !?

-> … (Find your options, develop them as a couple!)

Food for thought: roles in the house

My next suggestions to you concern the distribution of roles that you show as a couple towards the children

In itself, I find the idea purposeful that none of the partners tries to replace the other parent. So I’m trying to avoid replacing the father’s role to the children of my sub. She acts in the same way about the mother’s role towards my children.

But I also see that this can not work completely. Reasons?

  • Often one of us is e.g. absent. If you want to give children a loving environment AND are alone with them at home, you can hardly avoid taking a provider role.
  • Anyone who regularly has dear children in the house, starts to cuddle with them and to be tender.
  • You take children who are currently in the house to the bakery, the post office, etc. In this situation, you are a caregiver. And you can not help but give attention, educate, and correct. Buuut I can, for example also explain to my children that my sub is my new “partner” – but they only have one “mom” – my ex-wife.
  •    … the list can be continued. I would like to point out to you here that although I recommend to distance oneself from wanting to replace the missing parent in each case … I know that this has limits.

Another thought: in the beginning, I wanted to avoid telling the children of my sub what to do (dressing, sitting down, etc.). That did not work properly.

Meanwhile, I think that both parts of the couple need to be in doubt to make announcements to all the children in the house.

At the beginning, we also showed the children prayerfully that they see two adults of equal rights. We gave that up. Of course, I do not command my sub in front of the children. But we have our quirks. E.G. my sub sits partly on the ground. It is also true that I am more likely to be the one who announces more to the children. No matter whose child I have in front of me.

The children take me in the overall emerging picture indeed quite as a “master of the house”. But they also see loving adults. And clear, insightful, predictable structures. And parents who do not leave any loopholes by making it worth for children to ask adult B after a negative answer which adult A gave.

Concerning the clarity of the structures towards children, the clear allocation of roles in the relationship really gave an advantage. The children have e.g. stopped even to test whether they can spit us against each other 😊.

Conclusion

I have two core messages that I would like to share with you:

  1. Every couple has to find their way. I see as crucial what you do as a couple out of your possibilities, how you reflect your behavior after reactions of children.
  2. A DS relationship can surely be lived with children and it also brings benefits in the overall package.

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