I would like to add an aspect to my post “Children and BDSM (Parents)”. It’s the aspect of dealing with children in separation situations.
I separated from my wife. The children stayed with me. How exactly it went on, regarding house, child distribution etc. was a long time unsure (and is still not fixed).
Each freshly separated adult will find themselve in a similar situation. Things are changing. Some things are potentially unsettling. One takes only one step at a time.
I would like to say here that I went very well with orienting myself very closely to the children. Partly I knew from the beginning why I did it that way. Under some aspects I realized only months later why things were as good as I did.
I would like to give some food for thought from the world of my head. They come from a “distance” of about 75% between the date of separation and the state fixing of the childs stay.
I’m writing this to give readers who are at the beginning of their break-up a pool of thoughts from which they may want to take some.
There are some things that I find useful, especially for separations in the BDSM context.
Life comes with the children
My most important thought about this shortly after the separation: “everything” depends on the childs.
On their stay depends, how they grow up. How you see them growing up. Whether / under what rules / how / you see your children. How many issues you have with the ex-partner. How the resources (monetary / factual) of the partners are divided in the separation. Who has which “levers” in disputes of the ex-partners.
I was convinced that I should have the bigger levers on how the childs grow up. And I was convinced that I should be careful for her having levers in my life.
Furthermore, I quickly learned that both the classic understanding of roles (“children go with the mother”), and the respective opinions of adults count less and less in today’s legal system.
Ultimately, the state authorities look at what is best for the children.
My advice: understand what that means for legal proceedings, etc. . Realize that neither your worries, your sensitivities, nor much else counts … as long as you can not justify those aspects with the needs of the children.
And so we come to what I would like to recommend to you:
Follow the white rabbit 😄.
The white rabbit is your children
Everyone has to find his own ways here.
You can potentially fool your mouth about why you think you can better care for your children than your ex-partner. The effect is rather unsure.
Take care of the kids instead. When the time comes AND you are the better caregiver, the children will tell.
My way was to keep very close to my children. Of course that does not mean that I fulfill all their wishes. But it always meant keeping close to their thoughts / worries / needs. It means to me that I make sure they feel safe.
This meant, for example, that I listened well to my eldest child after the breakup, when it did not want to go to the childminder I had organized. I accompanied him on the paths to the childminder, heard his complaints, reflected his thoughts with him. And after a few weeks, I organized that the care worked without this childminder.
This also means that I regularly care for situations in which I get the thoughts of my children. I see situations as a chance to sit quietly with the child to puzzle, cuddle, etc. . I went to school with the elder, took the little one by foot to the kindergarten. Chosed new clothes to buy with the kids together. Switched childcare if it did not work with the kids. Reorganized my work life so that I could better take care of the children.
I currently have children who are very strongly focused on daddy. Almost too strong. But they trust me. I’ve been able to guide them through several maturation levels since separation.
The children see that a lot has changed at home since the separation – and they rate this positively. The confidence of the children in the situation that daddy creates is great. The confidence that daddy listens to them in case of problems and “cares” is great, too.
The close communication with the children allowed it e.g. to let move in my sub including her children. My elder was even a true advocate of entry 😂.
Now when these kids are being interviewed by government caretakers, I can do so very relaxed. There is nothing coming out that questions my life. The children will rather support the stability of my life. The children are actually witnesses that I’m doing well – and I’m more pleased that these witnesses are allowed to speak.
Guys: learn the rules 😉
I regularly experience men who find the world unjust. They find it absolutely unjust that the wife gets the children and they shall pay for it. They find it unfair that the woman gets half of the assets. See unfair that the (necessary) partnership separation means that they hardly see the children.
It says anonymously more easily than I can say it in someone’s face in the SM context 😉:
Here once, using the full anonymity 😈: GUYS, do not cry like that, tackle it!
Learn the rules. Align your behavior to the rules. It counts what is best for the children. If you are the best, then are best. And act accordingly.
I should mention: the children are in my view currently too strong focused on me.
But I can close my narrative thread insofar as I’m currently hardly worried about the continuity of my life. I’m better able t suggest a division of the stay of the children than my ex-wife. I did – of course seen from my perspective – good proposals on that. The distribution of resources after separation has strong tendencies to enable me to continue childcare.
In the context of our Domestic Discipline relationship, this also has a stabilizing effect. I could talk to government fuzzy, why the relationship is not a problem for the children. I would probably do little. From the current situation, instead, the children are my witnesses that dad is doing his job well.
I would like to suggest to others who are divided, to align themselves on the children as well 😸. These have – in contrast to the adults involved – exactly no guilt in the situation. They deserve to be taken care of. And they can thank the one who takes care of them, by stabilizing his situation.