After we had been together for a about half a year, I wrote an article about “Children and BDSM Parents“. It was still strongly influenced by the “coming together” of us as a troop of 8.
Since the topic keeps coming up in our environment, I’m writing about it again here. But now from the perspective of about 2.5 years of experience 😀.
In the many couples we know from the active SM environment, children play a role. Be it only on weekends, as a continuous life or alternating in the context of patchwork constellations.
We know parents who very strictly want to keep the children out of the sexual life. That sounds logical at first. However, I experience the form of execution partly as critical. The people who propagate this very strongly often twist themselves.
When my lady and I moved in together, only one of our six was attending elementary school. We had really young kids. Further, the kids were fresh “separation” kids. We watched very closely to see what impressions impacted them and how they were doing with it.
In retrospect, I can say that the children were very fine with a lot of things. There was no problem. Just because they don’t know sex. Precisely because they don’t know S&M. Precisely because they don’t know violence. The most important thing I want parents to remember in the SM context is to leave those three points alone. This is easy. Above all, you must avoid jokes about canes. Also other things that give the kids hints that there are things that don’t fit their fluffy world.
Internalize that your children have no pigeonhole in their brains for anything that goes in the direction of violence and sex. So no matter what they pick up in that regard – they would sort it into the wrong pigeonhole. And with that in mind, just let it go completely.
If this works AND you are a relaxed couple, I can promise you a life with great freedom. Then the same pigeonhole scheme works for you.
Spanking / Toys / …
If your children don’t know SM, don’t know jokes about caning etc., you can forget canes in the living room. Your children will fence with them. Because the sticks are so nice and flexible and you can fence with them much better than with the sticks from the garden. And because what the HoH does with them is far beyond their thinking horizon.
If your children don’t know sex AND know you as a fresh couple as a lovely couple, they can see you lying in bed without any problems. They will only see a lovely couple and will be happy to come in for a cuddle. Especially if you stay relaxed, they may see a much more loveful couple than they saw in previous relationships.
If your kids don’t know any jokes about the wand, they’ll take it out of the bedroom and misuse it as a Singstar microphone. Or demand that you massage them with it again. Because there are no other uses for it in their fluffy kid world.
If your kids don’t know any jokes about whipping tools and how to use them, you can even build whips at home as a hobby. In the short period of time that we haven’t made the freshly built things disappear, the kids play with them partially. The kids don’t put it in any other context than when other moms knit. The fact that you could hit people with it is then behind their thinking horizon.
We have ceiling hooks in the living room. There’s a (kids) swing hanging from it. We hang birthday garlands from them. Or strings with “Happy Birthday” on them. The kids put the hooks into pigeonholes that match their fluffy world. That lasts for a few more years.
My TiH also wears a lockable metal ring ( meaning a collar) around her neck. One of the kind that her colleagues talked something like “pretty necklace”. It does not have to get off – and does not. The collar is bought for being usable when picking up children from child care. In the meantime, we observed two of my lady’s children using the ring as a fixed point for holding on to while they kiss mom.
So holding her by the collar while kissing her (🙈).
That went by. They probably learned that from me. But it happened precisely because they knew no violent context. They knew it as a partial gesture from the context of kissing when saying goodbye/greeting/etc. . They did it lovingly, without oppressing mom. Because it was so convenient to hold there.
Power differential/exercise of power
The topic of power differential is only theoretically a difficult topic. In practice, I can only encourage you to approach it very naturally as well. The core is a loving and respectful interaction with each other and with the children. Then a lot can be done.
No, I do not want to call for mom to kneel in front of dad. That again falls into the category of “children don’t have a pigeonhole for that and put it in an unwanted one”. An image of mom being beaten, yelled at, or disdainfully rebuked will also only distress children.
But if your children see that the top respects the sub really and throughly, they will see a loving couple. Then they can also easily perceive the man as a loving familyhead. This may sound a bit anachronistic, but it is not dangerous in itself. After all, the couple has great strengths. In the ideal case Top can from its role e.g. Sub so sovereignly and en passant right have let, that the children see despite the role distribution a child-fairer couple, than it households of the ex-partners exemplify.
Also like to internalize what happens when the TiH lets a top have the last word who respects her in real terms. He may have the last word in principle. However, he will never ever be able to take care of everything. Exactly the Top, to which one can give that “last word”, can leave to its TiH also sovereign in the life liberties. Under reasonable humans thereby topic-referred responsibilities develop in the outside appearance. And children find these in almost every relationship. The fact that it looks different in the internal relationship of the partners with the Domestic Discipline can stabilize, provide for reliability and have a very positive effect. And the internal relationship is not anything that belongs in the fluffy world of children.
It is obvious that sooner or later our children will realize how certain things are connected. By then, however, they will have put it in pigeonholes of the loving couple that they saw the last few years. This loving environment is explicitly applauded by the children. That should fit well.
Rather cross connections become interesting. For example, when older children recognize the alternative uses of certain things – and make hints to younger siblings as part of their mental processing. But again, I think it will be true that by this time we will have deposited much that is trustworthy and positive into a virtual account held by the children. It will be possible to withdraw from this account in case of need, and it will very certainly remain positive.
I would like to encourage you to approach your children similarly (😀)