Progressive Domestic Discipline – now and then

There is a book. It’s called “Progressive Domestic Discipline” and it was written by Vanessa Smith.

My lady and I read it while traveling to SM parties in March 2019 (Use – Second try). Our opinion at the time: “factually quite interesting, but overall much too heavy handed”.

We felt at the time that the book was preachy. In the sense that the benefits of a Domestic-Discipline relationship were rolled out one-sided and extremely flowery. It was obvious that the author – according to our first impression – wanted to get the topic into the heads of her readers. And in the process, we found that she repeated herself, told the story far too flowery, and hardly allowed worlds besides her own.

We took impulses from the book. But we didn’t see it as a “bible” in the sense that it would be useful to apply directly.

Today I sit again with my lady in the living room. She sits in the cage. Feels protected. And reads with me from the book.

We are both stunned because we now find the content romantic. We feel the book today is a beautiful book, which is well written. At least according to the paragraphs she reads to me, perplexed – is there now what we think !!!?

I don’t know how the difference between the view then and the view now comes about. I suspect that with our experience today, we have a better approach to the subject. I suspect that many things seemed “too violent” to us then. Both in educational measures, as well as in their reasons, and in the benefits to be achieved. It clearly didn’t work that way.

However, the more experience we gain, the more likely we are to agree. In the meantime, we consider the rather strict, consequent methods to be the most effective. Precisely because this consequence also includes the consequence that the HoH has to take care of the mental health of his TiH. And of course the couple has the task that the children see nothing else than a loving couple.

Nowadays, when we see what we now do regularly and how we got there, Vanessa Smith’s descriptions suddenly seem logical and beautiful.

But I also suspect that each couple – or at least a part of each couple – has to work its way to this way of thinking.

I assume, for example, that men who can be responsibly trusted by women are the very ones who disagree with many passages at first.

I also assume that women, before they can entrust themselves to a man in this way, must first have worked out the necessary conviction for themselves.

From today’s point of view, I would recommend that newcomers to the subject buy the book and study it. Take the book as an inspiration. Derive things from it as a couple.
Out of all the things Ms. Smith writes, I would prioritize three in particular:

  • Notice that Ms. Smith writes over and over that a loving HoH takes care of his TiH.
  • Noted that the HoH cannot avoid exercising power in real terms. It’s not about doing what the TiH wants. Or simply pleasing his lady in sex games.
  • Talk to each other a lot. Walk the way together. The HoH needs to know that his TiH feels protected in the context of exercising power. In particular, he must be able to notice when this is no longer the case.

Take the above into consideration… and then let the things you both experience work on you.

Top is baking Sub – Sub is baking Top

One of our first texts is the one on the start page. Among other things, it says that we wanted to let you participate in how we are changing.

A short general remark: we don’t get to describe this in detail anymore 🙈. We would sit for hours in front of the computer. Much more hours than we can reasonably invest. We can only catch up slowly from behind. I’m just afraid that we’re moving on and on – and that we’ll never be able to catch up at the end.

One aspect of this change is a conversation I had with my lady about half a year ago. At that time I noticed somewhat horrified that she doesn’t like certain things I do with her at all 😨.

She said that she did not want to be chained up at night. She did not like sleeping naked next to me. She doesn’t like me laying out her clothes either. She generally has a different idea of the weighting of giving children love and structure in the task of “being a parent”.

It turned out that she did not like the individual aspects so much – but she liked the overall picture of ” abandoning” herself 😘. From this overall picture, in turn, it was protective to be restrained. It was easier to accept taking care of children as the master does. To be constrained. Not having to think about what you want. What to wear – because it is easier to wear what the master lays out than to discuss it with him. Not having to think about whether you want sex at night – because you are chained anyway and the crotch is exposed thanks to nudity – not having to think about whether you want to satisfy – because it is easier to do that than to take what happens when you are forced.

All in all, it turned out that she feels deeply secure in taking on what I want.

I came across the phrase “Oops. I’m baking my custom-made sub” in my head. So where are my lady’s needs then 😯?

I found it partly as scary, partly as beautiful, when I understood that my lady finally was adapting to me with much love and devotion in many things.

That is now some months ago. I do not know exactly when. From this point on we went on walking anyway. And it changed us, too. I learned, for example, that it is important to take my lady’s devotion in a disciplined way. And also to give security in a disciplined way by forcing continuity in rules and in our behaviour. This is so easy to write here – but it also means that sometimes you’ re dead tired and take time for things you would not do after pure fun 😜. Because you realize that they are important for the other side.

My lady enjoys being forced. It’s really liberating for her to be able to enjoy things without having to think about how much she wants them – because otherwise she will be forced anyway. She lives the dream of the helpless slave, which has been existing since puberty. It should be noted again that all this only works because I am only happy when she is – and would not show any behaviour in which she is regularly dissatisfied.

This in turn leads to sub also “baking” her top. Which theoretically forces her into forms and is happy to see her come out of the form. But in the end he only does what makes the cake feel good, because otherwise it would taste bitter to everyone.

The end result is that we as a couple show a behaviour in which we do what we think is good for the other. We change in the process. Slip deeper into certain behaviors. Acquire new ones. And are highly harmonious 😊 .

Our view on the BDSM-based Domestic Discipline

We had an interesting, long discussion with friends yesterday. It lasted until deep after midnight.

The topic was on relationship models 😇. It is noticeable how far my lady and I are away from the social standard in the meantime – and with which vehemence certain ideas set with us.

We indeed firmly believe that equality in a relationship is exhausting 😲. For both sides.

For example, my lady was on vacation with her family. Someone had left a jam jar on the table. Those present seriously discussed who was going to clean it up. They were frustrated that it was still there. After an hour 😭. And continued to discuss.

We see couples seriously 😵 discussing the splitting of work on the many things in life (shopping, doctor’s appointments, hairdresser’s appointments, tidying up rooms, we don’t have any more garbage bags, we need new diapers in size M, …).

We experience that female parts of a relationship buy a dog and the ladies joke months later that there has actually been no sex with her husband since the dog arrived.

We still know discussions and frustration about which partner would have had more or less orgasms lately.

Who reads to the children? How to solve problem XYZ?

Our opinion / Our knowledge / Our faith

My lady and I firmly believe that in a relationship one person should take the lead.

We believe that this works great when the leading person is seriously interested in the optinion of the other part.

We believe that the leading person can actively incorporate the experience and skills of the other part and both will have more of it afterwards.

We believe that in a relationship, one person should have the “final say” and both have more of it.

We believe that taking responsibility by taking leadership leads to responsible behavior among responsible persons.

We believe that a passive person will not feel oppressed, but protected, happy and guided.

We believe that both parts of such a relationship should write a set of rules that they both take seriously.

We believe that such a set of rules should contain clear roll-maintaining elements that may well contain that the guided part is beaten as part of maintenance spanking or regularly “used” sexually.

We believe that this relationship concept results in two mentally and sexually balanced individuals, which releases a lot of positive energy where power struggles and imbalances have been before.

We believe that third parties, including children, perceive a loving, balanced, reliable, teamplaying couple that can move mountains.


The above is a kind of creed of the Domestic Discipline 😀.

I know that these sentences frighten many people. From our experience it is also practical that most people first get to know us as a couple and naturally only get to know what happens in the background after getting to know us better. If it were the other way around, we would probably meet with fierce resistance.

An important prerequisite for the above to apply is the passive disposition of the “guided” part of such a relationship. Only in this way can the necessary real consensus emerge, from which both parties do the relationship.

But because of contents like the one above, I gave this website a “16” rating.

Related posts, which I wrote in the course of time, on the topic

And on we go – to CIS

We’ve been together for a year since some time. We reflect more and more our relationship. We realize that we want to go “further” in the relationship. Concretely: go to CIS 🙈.

I investigated the web, interested in the possibilities. I found it interesting that I found almost nothing on the net. For example, if you search for “TPE”, you will find a lot of forum posts. If you search in the same forums for “CIS” you won’t find anything 🙄.

We conclude from it that we stand slowly alone on far corridor. Both in the SM environment of our region, and now in the Internet there are hardly any references to which one can refer.

For us CIS will mean that my lady should know that she is not coming away from me. She wants to know that she can cry helplessly over situations – but she has to chum up to me as a gentleman. I, on the other hand, look forward to cultivating her and our relationship in this state.

For a long time, I felt that such a path of relationship was unthinkable 😂 . Attributes like “too exhausting” or “only possible with women who are mentally too far away from me” were buzzing around in my head.

My lady, on the other hand, offered herself throughout the year. On many occasions. Again and again. She realized that she would trust me. That she could dare to live with me in a relationship she would not dare to have with others.

She advised me which striking tools hurt in which ways. She tried out things with me in shops like whole-head latex masks. She offered several times – and made it clear that she liked it that I decide about her so much that I give her to other men. Together we went our way deeper and deeper into letting my lady be used by other gentlemen (see blog posts “Use I/III/III”).

Over the months I experienced that my lady reacted all the happier the more I had moved away from “normal” social standards in individual deeds. I experienced how she accepted certain things from me, trusting in the overall situation or in me as a whole.

I slowly see that I switch off my empathy according to the situation – I am then no longer empathetic towards my lady, but towards the lady I have later, after the impressions of my consequence/ cruelty/love have sunk into her.

This in turn leads to the fact that I really head for the CIS. Respectfully. But knowing, that we will do it…

TiH – Taken in Hand

If my lady and me had imagined today’s life as our goal while getting to know each other, we would have sayed goodbye to each other in a friendly way 😂 .

I saw in my life various slave contracts on relevant web pages. With rules according to which the passive part must ask the active part for permission before he leaves the house. With rules that stated that the passive part should not wear underwear that covered the crotch at home. With rules according to which the master may use and beat the slave at any time. That a slave has the right to scream, but the master has the right to gag her if that disturbs him. And so on. I found it completely illogical how such a life should function. I found the term “Taken In Hand” for the passive part of a DD relationship bulky and inappropriate.

Now we are together for a year

And we have essentially built up a set of rules on our own, starting from a blank page. The resulting ruleset goes much further than almost all the rules I have ever read. We would have found people with shouch a ruleset weird, one year ago.

And now we both find it better from experience that the man is in charge. That it’s a kind of ignoring degradation not to use the lady regularly. That there are situations in which it makes sense to slap the lady several times in order to give her support in the relationship again. That it’s unfortunate that you can’t leave the lady chained at night more often because of the children.

Today I started to take more bank cards from my lady. Since yesterday she has to ask permission when she leaves the house (unless she goes to work). I’ve taken over the mail accounts and Facebook vour weeks ago.

She recently painted a picture of a bird in a golden cage. The bird is her. I was afraid for a long time to break the bird if I locked it up. Instead, I experience the bird blooming as I slowly but surely build rod by rod.

It blooms because I take it in my hand.

My masters’ favorite

As mentioned in the introduction to our blog, over the years I played with several doms. Now, looking back, I see that each Dom has his own special toy, his favourite one, the one he uses by preference, the one he uses when he likes to carry out some spanking without having to think too much about it. Most doms will know, when asked which whip, cane, … is THEIR toy and represents them best. For my doms these were e.g. a belt, a dressage whip, a bullwhip, … and a cane.

The Cane

My masters’ favourite is the cane. To be more precise: a 10mm thick and 85cm long peeled manila cane. We also tested shorter and thinner ones, but this is – according to my master – the one that feels most natural to him. It gives him high control due to its thickness while still speeding up to relatively high speeds due to its length.

Being beaten with a cane was not new to me, but I was not too experienced with this particular toy. And I had quite some respect. We started with a cane with handle but we destroyed at least one of that kind. We destroyed some more until we finally ended up at our favourite one, which we are using now. Even though a cane is rather inexpensive, we only have this one that is ‘perfect’.

Maintenance Spanking

The cane can be part of a session but most often it is used for maintenance spankings – roughly daily. The typical setup is that in the morning, before I leave for work, my master asks me to pull down my trousers and to bend over. He then usually warms up my butt with fast, but relatively light cane strokes which are then followed by 10 to 40 full strokes, which I am usually asked to count. When we started this habit we called it “Love to go” and we literally fell in love with this habit. After a few days we realised that what we were doing is called maintenance spanking and that this kept both of us in a mood we consider as achievable.