Children and parents in a Domestic-Discipline(/SM/BDSM) relationship

After we had been together for a about half a year, I wrote an article about “Children and BDSM Parents“. It was still strongly influenced by the “coming together” of us as a troop of 8.

Since the topic keeps coming up in our environment, I’m writing about it again here. But now from the perspective of about 2.5 years of experience 😀.

Basic assumptions

In the many couples we know from the active SM environment, children play a role. Be it only on weekends, as a continuous life or alternating in the context of patchwork constellations.

We know parents who very strictly want to keep the children out of the sexual life. That sounds logical at first. However, I experience the form of execution partly as critical. The people who propagate this very strongly often twist themselves.

When my lady and I moved in together, only one of our six was attending elementary school. We had really young kids. Further, the kids were fresh “separation” kids. We watched very closely to see what impressions impacted them and how they were doing with it.

In retrospect, I can say that the children were very fine with a lot of things. There was no problem. Just because they don’t know sex. Precisely because they don’t know S&M. Precisely because they don’t know violence. The most important thing I want parents to remember in the SM context is to leave those three points alone. This is easy. Above all, you must avoid jokes about canes. Also other things that give the kids hints that there are things that don’t fit their fluffy world.

Internalize that your children have no pigeonhole in their brains for anything that goes in the direction of violence and sex. So no matter what they pick up in that regard – they would sort it into the wrong pigeonhole. And with that in mind, just let it go completely.

If this works AND you are a relaxed couple, I can promise you a life with great freedom. Then the same pigeonhole scheme works for you.

Spanking / Toys / …

If your children don’t know SM, don’t know jokes about caning etc., you can forget canes in the living room. Your children will fence with them. Because the sticks are so nice and flexible and you can fence with them much better than with the sticks from the garden. And because what the HoH does with them is far beyond their thinking horizon.

If your children don’t know sex AND know you as a fresh couple as a lovely couple, they can see you lying in bed without any problems. They will only see a lovely couple and will be happy to come in for a cuddle. Especially if you stay relaxed, they may see a much more loveful couple than they saw in previous relationships.

If your kids don’t know any jokes about the wand, they’ll take it out of the bedroom and misuse it as a Singstar microphone. Or demand that you massage them with it again. Because there are no other uses for it in their fluffy kid world.

If your kids don’t know any jokes about whipping tools and how to use them, you can even build whips at home as a hobby. In the short period of time that we haven’t made the freshly built things disappear, the kids play with them partially. The kids don’t put it in any other context than when other moms knit. The fact that you could hit people with it is then behind their thinking horizon.

We have ceiling hooks in the living room. There’s a (kids) swing hanging from it. We hang birthday garlands from them. Or strings with “Happy Birthday” on them. The kids put the hooks into pigeonholes that match their fluffy world. That lasts for a few more years.

My TiH also wears a lockable metal ring ( meaning a collar) around her neck. One of the kind that her colleagues talked something like “pretty necklace”. It does not have to get off – and does not. The collar is bought for being usable when picking up children from child care. In the meantime, we observed two of my lady’s children using the ring as a fixed point for holding on to while they kiss mom.

So holding her by the collar while kissing her (🙈).

That went by. They probably learned that from me. But it happened precisely because they knew no violent context. They knew it as a partial gesture from the context of kissing when saying goodbye/greeting/etc. . They did it lovingly, without oppressing mom. Because it was so convenient to hold there.

Power differential/exercise of power

The topic of power differential is only theoretically a difficult topic. In practice, I can only encourage you to approach it very naturally as well. The core is a loving and respectful interaction with each other and with the children. Then a lot can be done.

No, I do not want to call for mom to kneel in front of dad. That again falls into the category of “children don’t have a pigeonhole for that and put it in an unwanted one”. An image of mom being beaten, yelled at, or disdainfully rebuked will also only distress children.

But if your children see that the top respects the sub really and throughly, they will see a loving couple. Then they can also easily perceive the man as a loving familyhead. This may sound a bit anachronistic, but it is not dangerous in itself. After all, the couple has great strengths. In the ideal case Top can from its role e.g. Sub so sovereignly and en passant right have let, that the children see despite the role distribution a child-fairer couple, than it households of the ex-partners exemplify.

Also like to internalize what happens when the TiH lets a top have the last word who respects her in real terms. He may have the last word in principle. However, he will never ever be able to take care of everything. Exactly the Top, to which one can give that “last word”, can leave to its TiH also sovereign in the life liberties. Under reasonable humans thereby topic-referred responsibilities develop in the outside appearance. And children find these in almost every relationship. The fact that it looks different in the internal relationship of the partners with the Domestic Discipline can stabilize, provide for reliability and have a very positive effect. And the internal relationship is not anything that belongs in the fluffy world of children.


It is obvious that sooner or later our children will realize how certain things are connected. By then, however, they will have put it in pigeonholes of the loving couple that they saw the last few years. This loving environment is explicitly applauded by the children. That should fit well.

Rather cross connections become interesting. For example, when older children recognize the alternative uses of certain things – and make hints to younger siblings as part of their mental processing. But again, I think it will be true that by this time we will have deposited much that is trustworthy and positive into a virtual account held by the children. It will be possible to withdraw from this account in case of need, and it will very certainly remain positive.

I would like to encourage you to approach your children similarly (😀)

Some thoughts on posting

Hi all,

as you can see, we have not posted for a while.

Reasons are – upcoming from the holiday in late May – thoughts where this should lead. I noticed more and more that there was a risk that the posts would also be read by our ex-partners. Will I discuss posts in court? Or in front of other government departments? Or with Sm folks who find themselves in the posts?

These thoughts came primarily from me – me lady also started to stop posting in parallel. I also noticed that there are several blogs on the net that have started up – and then were abandoned by their authors

Meanwhile, we see that serious traffic has developed on the blog 🙂 . That’s nice.

I also think that at least I – after I had my first court date with my ex-wife in the beginning of August – slowly get more relaxed about posting.

We have a lot to write … and I will continue 🙂 .


After the court date

I just had my court date. The one about the child division.

I found interesting, what load fell away from me. Afterwards. And what effect it had on me in retrospect.

The date itself went well. Once again I had the feeling that many points in my life had prepared me for this very point in my life.

I talked several times on the way to court what I wanted to say as opening – to hedge the halo effect. Because I had learned that in coaching.

I sat in before the date in the court hall with the representatives of the government agencies and led loose small talk. Because I had learned that in the business field.

I had my last court papers printed in court. Because I always had it with me.

I came very close in time – to understanding of other people – and yet was without nervousness. Three minutes before the start of the date. Because my appointments as a leading engineer were always timed like that 😂 .

Etc. .

The appointment itself went well. I omit details.

AFTER the appointment I needed around until the next evening to recognize what had happened there.

At first I only regocnized the results at the intellectual level. I did not feel them.

When talking to the children at home, I saw the differences.

I realized: eh, that remains that way now. I found myself planning to be more committed to the future of caring for the children. Actually, I had done that before … but in my gut feeling it had come much stronger.

The next morning I was sitting in a cafe with my children (really only my two). My lady sat at work 😉. She asked me by telegram how I am.

My Answer: I am so deeply relaxed that I could fall asleep sitting down.

And so it was.

The court hearing had tentatively decided how to proceed with the children. I had previously unconsciously spent a great mental energy on the uncertainty of how to proceed. When my body was not forced to do this anymore, it became happy – and tired.

Follow the white rabbit

I would like to add an aspect to my post “Children and BDSM (Parents)”. It’s the aspect of dealing with children in separation situations.

I separated from my wife. The children stayed with me. How exactly it went on, regarding house, child distribution etc. was a long time unsure (and is still not fixed).

Each freshly separated adult will find themselve in a similar situation. Things are changing. Some things are potentially unsettling. One takes only one step at a time.

I would like to say here that I went very well with orienting myself very closely to the children. Partly I knew from the beginning why I did it that way. Under some aspects I realized only months later why things were as good as I did.

I would like to give some food for thought from the world of my head. They come from a “distance” of about 75% between the date of separation and the state fixing of the childs stay.

I’m writing this to give readers who are at the beginning of their break-up a pool of thoughts from which they may want to take some.

There are some things that I find useful, especially for separations in the BDSM context.

Life comes with the children

My most important thought about this shortly after the separation: “everything” depends on the childs.

On their stay depends, how they grow up. How you see them growing up. Whether / under what rules / how / you see your children. How many issues you have with the ex-partner. How the resources (monetary / factual) of the partners are divided in the separation. Who has which “levers” in disputes of the ex-partners.

I was convinced that I should have the bigger levers on how the childs grow up. And I was convinced that I should be careful for her having levers in my life.

Furthermore, I quickly learned that both the classic understanding of roles (“children go with the mother”), and the respective opinions of adults count less and less in today’s legal system.

Ultimately, the state authorities look at what is best for the children.

My advice: understand what that means for legal proceedings, etc. . Realize that neither your worries, your sensitivities, nor much else counts … as long as you can not justify those aspects with the needs of the children.

And so we come to what I would like to recommend to you:

Follow the white rabbit 😄.

The white rabbit is your children

Everyone has to find his own ways here.

You can potentially fool your mouth about why you think you can better care for your children than your ex-partner. The effect is rather unsure.

Take care of the kids instead. When the time comes AND you are the better caregiver, the children will tell.

My way

My way was to keep very close to my children. Of course that does not mean that I fulfill all their wishes. But it always meant keeping close to their thoughts / worries / needs. It means to me that I make sure they feel safe.

This meant, for example, that I listened well to my eldest child after the breakup, when it did not want to go to the childminder I had organized. I accompanied him on the paths to the childminder, heard his complaints, reflected his thoughts with him. And after a few weeks, I organized that the care worked without this childminder.

This also means that I regularly care for situations in which I get the thoughts of my children. I see situations as a chance to sit quietly with the child to puzzle, cuddle, etc. . I went to school with the elder, took the little one by foot to the kindergarten. Chosed new clothes to buy with the kids together. Switched childcare if it did not work with the kids. Reorganized my work life so that I could better take care of the children.

Interim results

I currently have children who are very strongly focused on daddy. Almost too strong. But they trust me. I’ve been able to guide them through several maturation levels since separation.

The children see that a lot has changed at home since the separation – and they rate this positively. The confidence of the children in the situation that daddy creates is great. The confidence that daddy listens to them in case of problems and “cares” is great, too.

The close communication with the children allowed it e.g. to let move in my sub including her children. My elder was even a true advocate of entry 😂.

Now when these kids are being interviewed by government caretakers, I can do so very relaxed. There is nothing coming out that questions my life. The children will rather support the stability of my life. The children are actually witnesses that I’m doing well – and I’m more pleased that these witnesses are allowed to speak.

Guys: learn the rules 😉

I regularly experience men who find the world unjust. They find it absolutely unjust that the wife gets the children and they shall pay for it. They find it unfair that the woman gets half of the assets. See unfair that the (necessary) partnership separation means that they hardly see the children.

It says anonymously more easily than I can say it in someone’s face in the SM context 😉:

Here once, using the full anonymity 😈: GUYS, do not cry like that, tackle it!

Learn the rules. Align your behavior to the rules. It counts what is best for the children. If you are the best, then are best. And act accordingly.

Closing remarks

I should mention: the children are in my view currently too strong focused on me.

But I can close my narrative thread insofar as I’m currently hardly worried about the continuity of my life. I’m better able t suggest a division of the stay of the children than my ex-wife. I did – of course seen from my perspective – good proposals on that. The distribution of resources after separation has strong tendencies to enable me to continue childcare.

In the context of our Domestic Discipline relationship, this also has a stabilizing effect. I could talk to government fuzzy, why the relationship is not a problem for the children. I would probably do little. From the current situation, instead, the children are my witnesses that dad is doing his job well.

I would like to suggest to others who are divided, to align themselves on the children as well 😸. These have – in contrast to the adults involved – exactly no guilt in the situation. They deserve to be taken care of. And they can thank the one who takes care of them, by stabilizing his situation.